— Swimming thoughts #8 - by wilderraticlove
tomorrow is another day. let’s move on.
setting out on a new path is scary. not knowing where that path will take you, is absolutely terrifying. let’s go. fuck it, i’m ready to go.
i had somewhat of an epiphany this week; psyc homework will do that for you at times. i have all of these grand plans of things that i want to change, ways that i want to adjust my lifestyle, different things that i want to do; and yet, i have not accomplished near what i want to. i have noticed that this is what, or some, of what has been bothering me. i feel stuck. like a record that can’t stop going round and round. i am stuck. and to myself, i complained, i got frustrated, and i became weary. and then the answer…the epiphany..hit me in the face. straight on with no warning. i am stuck because i am scared, scared out of my damn mind. i do not consider myself one that is scared of change; i consider myself one that welcomes change. apparently not. apparently the change i welcome is dependent on how far, or not far, it will push me. small changes i take on, and feel accomplished, but i always want more. i get frustrated because i cannot calm the want for more. i like pushing the limits; however, it seems that i have more conservative boundaries than i thought that i did. so now, the question that i am asking myself…is how? how do i stop sabotaging my chance to really live; to not be afraid, to go forward with open arms. i feel that if i don’t figure this out soon, i will stay in this rut, and become complacent, and feel a defeated satisfaction that my small changes are enough. when in reality, to become who i want to be, after all of these years, these insignificant changes are nowhere near enough.
But the one thing you should not do
is lose yourself.
There’s such a thing as toxic love
but we fail to teach our children about it.
Don’t stay for someone who knows only
how to tear you down. Who throws around words like
knives with you as the target.
Remember the child you used to be and
Learn to how to hold your own hand and
sleep alone. You’ve done it before,
you can do it again.
You are not weak for leaving.
Repeat that. Tattoo it into your heart.
Sometimes saying goodbye is
the strongest thing you can do."
i want to wander aimlessly through my house, drink and not feel bad about it, smoke a cigarette and not regret it, think all of the thoughts that i keep inside, and not die from it.
— Swimming thoughts #7 by - wilderraticlove
— Robert Brault